When I changed jobs last year I made a promise to myself that I would pursue my art more consistently. I did take the second half of the year to just sorta recoup mentally.  

My brain was literally crispy. 

So I spent that summer swimming with Allie, reading books, and just generally recuperating from several years of stress and complete professional burnout. If you’ve ever experienced burnout you know how completely draining it is. I had not been that burned out since I graduated from college.  Slowly and surely I dug myself out of the mental hole I had found myself in and started moving forward. As I found my feet at my new job, Allie started to thrive at her new school, and JJ mentioned how much better I looked and sounded. We developed a new normal and I started turning my thoughts to new artwork. 

I spent January planning out my creative year and it was such a huge step in getting me motivated to create and actually set some goals for the year. Have I met every benchmark I’ve set? No. I shot the moon and probably planned for too much but I have gotten quite a bit done, and we’re only a little over halfway through the year so there is still lots and lots of time to play and create, and I think that was key for me this year. Stop being so dammed serious, quit doubting yourself, and just have fun with art. Enter the juried shows, take the pictures, take a chance, take a leap of faith, and see what happens. To that end, I applied for a Mini -Grant from the Mississippi Arts Commission. This is the definition for that grant according to the website: 

“ARTIST MINI-GRANTS

The Artist Mini-grant Program provides grants of up to $500 to support the professional development of individual artists by helping fund: registration for appropriate conferences and workshops, promotional efforts, expendable artistic supplies or to assist in adapting an individual artists work in a virtual setting.” https://arts.ms.gov/grants/grants-for-individuals/

Artists can use these grants to purchase art supplies and as I looked into it I saw where I could use the money to purchase film and developing chemicals to shoot and develop my own film at home. I self published a book of my college thesis work, all done on film, in 2023 and have literally wanted to get back into film since revisiting that work. I’ve been dreaming of shooting film for the better part of 2 years so this was an opportunity I decided to apply for and see what could happen. These grants are highly competitive and as I was filling out the application, I was thinking the entire time there is no way that I will ever get this. I even filled out the entire application, attached pictures, and then promptly saved and closed everything and walked away from my computer. I had so many thoughts. I was thinking to myself that I wasn’t a real artist. I wasn’t a real photographer anymore. I was just a hobby artist that got lucky every so often and there were real artists out there that could use the money more than me.  They would be able to make better use of that funding. 

Who was I to apply for this grant? 

I literally spent an entire day thinking about whether or not I should click the submit button on that grant application. I thought through every scenario in the world. What if I can’t shoot film anymore after two decades of shooting digitally? What if the work sucks? What if I suck? I had a long night the day before the grant deadline turning things over in my mind about applying for a $500 grant. It’s not a lot of money, but to me, it was the pressure of using the money well and on the flip side the disappointment of if I apply and don’t get it does that mean I’m not really an artist? 

Sounds silly doesn’t it? 

I am an artist. I have been since I was a kid. I didn’t need anyone’s validation back then. I just drew and painted and sat back at the end and was happy and pleased and proud of what I had created. 

In the end, I told myself to go for it and hit submit, what did I have to lose? I am so happy and honored to say that I received a FY24 Artist Mini-Grant from the Mississippi Arts Commission! This grant is also funded by the National Endowment for the Arts, a federal agency. 

So now comes the hard part, picking out supplies and then getting out there and taking the pictures. I was so shocked to get the email awarding me the grant. I don’t really ever seem to talk about my work in real life but that needs to change. You never know the things that could happen if you’re just willing to take a chance on yourself. 

I’ve definitely invested in myself and taken some chances this year. Have they all paid off? Of course not, that’s unrealistic, but at the same time, I’m starting to feel like an artist again for the first time in a long time. And maybe it’s not quite right to say I feel more like an artist, but that I am having more confidence in my art if that makes sense. 

Where will all this lead? I have no idea. But for the first time in a long time, I’m willing to find out. 

I wrote an entry for the blog about this time last year. You can read it HERE.

And in that entry, I wrote: 

“But then things started falling into place and there were decisions that had to be made. The decision was to step out on faith and make a change. The decision was to choose me and my family because we’re worth it. The decision was to stop putting the world first and choose myself for once. I had been putting other people ahead of my wants and needs for so long that I had made myself the least important person on the list. Taking up responsibility is important. Caring for others is important. But you are important too.

Don’t ever forget that.”

I’m so happy I chose my family and myself over a job. I’m happy that I decided to take care of myself and by extension, I was able to take better care of those around me. And from that drastic change has come more welcome changes for my family and me. 

This probably all sounds a little like some woo woo new age spirituality, but I promise it’s just good old-fashioned faith in God’s divine plan and believing that the good you put out in the world will come back to you. 

Thank you again to the Mississippi Arts Commission and the National Endowment for the Arts for your support of the artists of Mississippi and me. Thank you for supporting Noxubee County and giving me an opportunity to strive to be a better artist.