Hope Writers July Writing Prompt# 14. This summer I want…

This summer I want to be me again. 

And no that doesn’t mean I want to be skinnier or younger. It means I just want to feel like myself again. I want to be happier, healthier, more curious, more creative, and feel peaceful and confident again. I want to take pictures, write words, walk out in nature, and feel the sun on my face. I want to be successful but I want success in my own way. I’ve tried the corner office, title, and all the stress that goes with it.  I want to try something different. To find joy in the little things I love. Be unapologetically myself even if those from the outside looking in don’t understand why I made the choices I did. 

I want to be me again, the me that doesn’t always choose the easiest way. I want to be the me that creates her own happiness. I want to be the me that is confident in her worth. The me that knows her place in the world. 

I want to be the me that reads weird books, writes crazy things in her journal, and shows love to those around her. I want to be the me that takes on the world with a sassy spirit and shows love to those around her. 

I was that person once upon a time, I think I can be her again. 

I’ve been running hard for about 10 years now. And when I turned 40 last year it really made me think was this what I wanted for the next 20 years until I retired. Was I happy doing what I was doing?  Yes and no. There was a part of me that loved how face-paced everything was and I thrived on resolving problems. There was also a large part of me that was burned out. The old saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is absolutely true. Rushing around 40 hours a week every week sometimes working 6 months or better without taking a day off takes a toll on a human being. Constant, never ending, chest tightening stress takes a toll on a human being. 

After my birthday in November, it just seemed like I was questioning my life more and more. Was this really what I wanted to do from here going forward? Did I want to spend my life living to serve other people with no time for myself, ever? Was the money worth the sacrifice of my time and my attention to my family and myself? I tried to find a balance between work and home and my sanity and for the life of me couldn’t do it. I really did try. I didn’t want to upend my professional life and Allie’s school life on a whim. But then things started falling into place and there were decisions that had to be made. 

The decision was to step out on faith and make a change. The decision was to choose me and my family because we’re worth it. The decision was to stop putting the world first and choose myself for once. I had been putting other people ahead of my wants and needs for so long that I had made myself the least important person on the list. Taking up responsibility is important. Caring for others is important. But you are important too. 

Don’t ever forget that. I might need to remember it from time to time too.